Church Door

Dear Peregrin,

I hope you can answer my confusion. I had a dream a few nights ago that has been bothering me. I can't remember all the details, it has something to do with being a spy and failing a mission.

I was in a line with other spies who did not succeed in a very important mission. We were following each other up a narrow stairway next to the doors of a church sanctuary. The doors to the sanctuary was open, but no one inside. I followed the line upstairs, but by the time I reach the floor, I lost the line. There were several little spiral staircases with a closed door that we are to choose from. Because we failed, we were to be killed behind the door that we decide to go in. I remembered waiting for a friend that were a 2-3 person behind me and I went into the same door as she. I remember that there were other people in the room, but were invisible because they didn't want us to know each other. We were served a meal of our choice and suppose to kill one another. I somehow escaped and I was standing outside the church waiting for dawn to arrive. I went inside and noticed that the sanctuary doors were closed. I tried to open the door but it wouldn't open. As I wait by the doors, on the stairs that I previous walked up, two people walked up to the doors and the doors opened automatically. I thought that the doors were locked, so I went to the doors and looked inside through the glass. There were a lot of people inside: mothers with babies, children running around. Then I understood that I was so full of sin that the sanctuary doors will never open for me.

I am very upset that the church doors won't open for me. I like to know if this means anything. Thank you for your time and I hope you can help understand.

Cindy

Good morning, Cindy.

I can help break down the components of this dream, and I'm sure that they do mean something, but you'll have to decide how they apply to your life.

The first thing that I notice is the strong feeling of personal failure. You've failed in your "mission" - something that was expected of you - and the punishment is death. Even later, when you manage to escape this punishment, your feeling of guilt is such that you punish yourself anyway - this is from realization that you cannot seek sanctuary.

Because of the heavy religious influence evident in this dream, it's likely that the guilt comes from that source, even if the specific failure that prompted the dream comes from another. You're being taught to internalize guilt, that all failings are yours alone. However, the line to punishment is long - every one of your fellow "spies" has failed. Perhaps the standard for success is unreasonably difficult.

The presence of a friend in line suggests a strong peer structure, with which you identify far more than any authority figure. In your dream setting, all authority is the enemy, even the one you serve. Parents, teachers, bosses, government - none are to be trusted in the spy's life, and when the authority the spy serves turns hostile, then betrayal is complete - no one is a friend except the fellow (failed) spies.

There's also a powerful feeling of being trapped, with no viable choices. All the choices authorized lead to death, and when you make an unauthorized choice that turns out to be a dead end too. Such a sense of despair must have a source, but again, you haven't told me what it could be.
The method of execution reveals a possible clue. You are expected to kill each other, something which you refuse to do. This seems to represent a refusal on your part to betray a friend. I'm assuming, then, that you have recently done something like this - refused to betray a friend. By doing so, you could have cleared your own name and gained safety, but now carry all the guilt yourself.

I don't know what the guilt is for, so I don't know what to advise you to do. There's no indication from your dream that you regret your actions, only that you wish you could enter the church (find forgiveness). I've only been around for forty-two years, but in that time I've seen that forgiveness usually does come from others - whether you forgive yourself is up to you.

Pleasant dreams,

Peregrin