Monday, April 25, 2011

Can a dream change your feelings?

Hello

My boyfriend and I have moved into a new apartment about a month ago.

When I went to see the apartment the owner was extremely nice to me..I think he was flirting with me...he even let me use his personal washer,and nobody else in the building is allowed to use it.....

I always thought he had a great sence of humor,but he wasn't really my type...

So recently I asked him to please talk to my neighbor,who is a bit noisy..

He threatened to kick the guy out,unless he apologizes to me! Suddenly the neighbor was begging me to forgive him.. even though i thought all this wasn't neccesary-I only wanted the neighbor to be aware that I can hear him-I kind of liked the way the property owner took care of business for me..

My boyfriend for example NEVER stands up for me.....whenever somebody insults me or the neighbors are really loud,ect he never does anything and just says I shouldn't be so difficult-but really I feel he's simply too shy to "take care of things" and I often feel helpless and like nobody's on MY SIDE.

So I guess I kind of admired how my landlord took "care of me".. anyhow,the next night I had a dream that the landlord was my boyfriend and it was a really arousing dream... when I woke up I thought"that was strange"...then I wanted to read for a while(it was Sunday morning)...BUT I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS MAN!!!!! 3 days have past and I feel like someone did some VOODOO-spell on me!!! I think about him all the time and nothing else in mylife matters to me ,suddenly.....

How is this possible????i mean, I know i'm not in love with him-I don't know him that well....but why am I suddenly thinking about him so much??? I never cheated on any of my boyfriends but I am secretly ,making a plot in my mind of how I can get this guy to ask me out!!!

Can you talk some sense into me, please?

Fran

Good morning, Fran.

It's much easier to tell you what's going on here, than it is to advise you what to do about it.
Quite simply, you have met a man who finds you attractive enough to flirt with you and who seems able to take care of you - and who seems to care enough about you to do so. Now you're dissatisfied being with someone who does not seem to care enough about you to stand up for you. Your dream did not change your feelings; it reflected them.

But it isn't necessarily your landlord that you are attracted to in this case - it's more likely that what arouses you is the idea of someone strong and caring, able to stand up for you and take care of you. Your mind used your landlord's face to represent these concepts, and he now symbolizes what you feel is missing from your life. Now that you realize this, it's on your mind almost constantly.

Now, I really don't know enough about your situation to give truly informed advice. However, I can point out that your landlord did not really risk much to take care of your noisy neighbor. He is in a position of power and the tenants know this - they won't give him nearly as much trouble as they would a neighbor whose power is limited to complaining to someone else.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with wanting to be taken care of by someone strong - quite the contrary. It's a good feeling, and we all want it. It's one basis for permanent, loving relationships. Paradoxically, however, it's also one of the things that can put a relationship in peril - because you can't have an equal partnership if one person is always the caregiver and the other is always the one in need. There has to be some turn-taking here, and if your boyfriend never takes his turn at being the strong one, that's a serious problem which needs to be worked out if your relationship with him is going to succeed.

Here are my thoughts: I do not think you ought to make any secret trysts with your landlord. You don't know enough about him - you don't know if his interest in you lies any deeper than getting you into bed, you don't know whether he can be so strong when there's true risk involved - and I doubt that you know whether he's already involved in a relationship with someone else.
You, on the other hand, are involved with someone else and such actions could jeopardize that. If this relationship is not satisfying to you, for whatever reason, it's my opinion that you ought to give communication a chance to work. If you let your boyfriend know what you need from your relationship and he makes no effort to give it to you, then you have reason to end it - at which point you won't need to sneak around or make complicated plots.

Pleasant dreams,

Peregrin

Oh - P.S. - If you feel that the landlord went overboard with threatening your neighbor, that's an indication of an abusive personality - strong carried a bit too far. In the interests of keeping up good relations with your neighbors, a friendly peace offering might be a good idea. Good luck.

3 comments:

  1. As always, an INCREDIBLE analysis. Thank you so very much Peregin! You amaze me!

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  2. I had a very strange dream last month.I want to know how is it even possible. There's a guy(in real world) in my school and attends my basketball coaching too. I used to hate him since the day we met. I used to hate him so so so badly. And sometimes even if he had to come in my section at my school(he is in a different section though we both are in the same standard) for some reason, I used to pray for getting him out of my classroom. I don't even know why I hated him so much. And because I hated him, I used to have some terrible fights at my basketball class with him (and not because I hated him, I used to have terrible fights with him at my basketball class). Though, in every fight, he was the one to be patient. And I used to scream and act like hell.And I never noticed that thing in him. I always used to look at his flaws. We could never even have a normal conversation. Or shall I say, I could never have a normal conversation with him. Then one day, my mom got pretty late to pick me up from coaching and his mom was also busy talking on the phone and we both were alone in the court. So, we started playing and talking. And having a normal conversation. While talking to him, I realized that he is not that bad I used to think of him.And he's nice. And then I started treating him as a normal person still I use to hate him a bit.Until one night I dreamed that I'm in New York and it's my engagement to my celebrity crush Zayn Malik. I'm very happy.(In real world:I'm single and I think that I actually really love him and he's the only guy I'd wish to marry.) So everything's going perfect and the guy I used to hate(the basketball one) is also there. He's standing beside me everywhere like a friend but very comforting. In his presence, I'm feeling very secure and I don't know why. And suddenly, an earthquake takes place and all of a sudden the building I'm in falls down. Zayn and everyone else dies except me and that guy I hate.He's still beside me. I'm feeling very secure in his presence.But, I'm very sad also that Zayn died. But, I don't know why, that sadness is not effecting me much and I'm not hurt. Then I'm sitting on a chair and he's beside me and a paparazzi is asking me whom am I gonna marry now and I said his name and suddenly I feel so happy even after that devastating loss. And the dream ends. When I wake up, I find that feeling still in me and it lasted till that whole day.I didn't want to fell in love with him but I actually was falling. I still think I am. There was a time I actually prayed and wanted him not to attend basketball class. And I used to feel so bad whenever he used to show up. And now there's a time I want him to attend basketball class everyday(and he does) and I feel a bit sad whenever he doesn't. Though, I still don't admit I'm in love with him even though I know and I try to make so much effort not to love him but I do.

    How is this possible that you used to hate a person so badly and the next morning find that you're in love with him.

    Please help.
    I need answers.
    Thank You.

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    Replies
    1. *And because I hated him, I used to have some terrible fights with him in my basketball class (and not because I used to have some terrible fights with him at my basketball class, I hated him).

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