Friday, October 21, 2011

I Think I'm Scared

Dear Peregrin,

The first part, I was going to church and looking for a rosary to take and use. I had several to choose from and wanted my favorite. The one I chose had a big Madonna on it. Some sort of smooth blue stone. I chose it over a heart shaped center one. (Also blue center) I got to the church late (I usually dream of being late) and saw an open seat next to a high school friend. I saw a seat next to my parents as well, but chose to go in the pew next to the high school chum, and remember feeling, "oh no, now I can't say the rosary without being embarrassed" Yet, I didn't really care, I wanted to sit next to her. Everyone was watching me, the church was crowded, but I didn't feel upset about it, which is sort of out of character for me. (To not be nervous or upset)

Then I went outside to smoke and came back in and sat in a different area with other friends, one being an old co-worker. We laughed and had a good time, talking about how we used to smoke in the workplace and drink lots of coffee, and were wired up having a good time. I believe, but am not completely sure, that this co-worker died a couple years ago. I really do not remember. Everyone was laughing and having a good time. My high school chum joined us. Then a cousin of mine.

Somehow, I jumped from the church to my place of physical therapy where I watched everyone else in the pool, I didn't join in. I don't feel any strong feelings about that.

I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow and thinking that I may have talked to a possibly deceased person may be a bad sign. LOL! What do you think?

BookJunkie

Good morning, BookJunkie.

I think that you're worrying a bit too much over it. Relax; your dream is not a premonition of danger.

The presence of people you used to know relates more to a feeling of nostalgia - missing some of the good times, just as you discussed with the co-worker.

The choice of rosary is an expression of your spiritual preferences. You prefer to externalize your faith - place it in something or someone (represented by the madonna) outside yourself, rather than have faith in your own feelings (represented by the heart). Both are colored blue, a very calm color but sometimes sad.

Your choice of seating is an expression of the company you prefer - friends over family, yet you don't feel comfortable being entirely open with the friend either.

By refusing to join the others in the pool, you are essentially choosing to not share your emotions, or to not get emotionally involved. Of course you had no strong feelings there - you're not allowing it. But this is a place of physical therapy - a place to heal.

I think that you need to open up to someone - if family is not possible then one of your closest friends. Find someone you can trust and then do it.

Pleasant dreams,

Peregrin

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